Where do I begin?!?!

I have not updated since September! Wow, so much has changed! September was a wonderful month for our family! Mark and I celebrated 1 year of officially being married, Jody started 5th grade, we found out we were expecting a baby, and I took on a full time work position!

This time around, we decided not to announce to ANYONE (not even Jody or our parents!) until we passed the 12 week mark, which happened to fall right before Thanksgiving! We told Jody right before we left for Santa Barbara. She was so excited! She wore her "big Sister" shirt to school and was telling everyone! Once we got to Santa Barbara (late Wed night), She couldn't wait to tell her Grandparents! Mom knew somehow already! Jody went to ask Mark if she could tell, and Mom looked at me as asked "Are you?!?!" She was so excited for her 2nd grandchild! This pregnancy was so different. I was not sick, but I was constantly thirsty and averaged about 100oz of water/day! I had gestational diabetes, which proved to be a challenge while still providing the meals that my family loves!


 
We had a wonderful December! Two weeks in Santa Barbara always makes December go by so fast but is still our favorite time of year! Jody turned 10 and Mark turned 33! We were very overdue to take an updated picture of Jody with both Grandma and Grandpa, and this has become a cherished picture for all of us!





This is our last picture as a family of 3 (even though little Mark is hiding under that sweater!)



Christmas is always fun as Mark and his Brothers provide entertainment and embarrassment with their gag gifts. Jody has taken to playing Santa, and I really think she gets more joy from that than actually opening her gifts! The next few years should prove interesting as she is able to understand some of the gag gifts that the uncles exchange!



In January, our family made some big changes. I quit my job, as much as I loved what I was doing, they were not providing enough hours for me to cover Jody's tuition even! On top of that, we were really unhappy with the way things were done at her school (she had moved from the elementary school to the middle school this year), and felt that she was not getting the education she should be getting. We decided to pull her and home school for the rest of the year as she doesn't want to go to public school. Homeschooling had its own set of challenges and it was a big adjustment for all of us! She enjoyed it, as did I, so we have re-enrolled her for this coming school year as well.

We welcomed Mark Ryan Jr on May 22, 2013! He certainly has completed our family! Big Sister is spoiling him already! He is now a month old and we are really getting into a routine. He is a definite Mama's boy! He loves his sister and is starting to recognize her and will smile and give her kisses. He is already learning about computer gaming from Big Mark, and loves to watch the movement on the screen! He is a great sleeper and sleeps 3-4 hour stretches at night! He also has had his 1st road trip already! He went to Santa Barbara when he was just 2 days old! He got to meet his Grandma and Grandpa and all his uncles on that side. Grandma lit up when she saw him and loved getting to hold him! I was able to snap a few pictures of them together, and they will be cherished pictures forever.

Which brings me to the sad part of this post. My lovely Mother-in-law finished her battle with cancer and moved on this week. We are all working through this time in our own ways. The bond she and I shared was awesome. I always heard these awful stories about Mil's, and was terrified that my experience would be much the same. Boy was I wrong! I couldn't have asked for a better one! I learned so much from her in the past 11 years! She was definitely a very strong woman. She and Jody were super close, and I loved that Jody was able to spend so much time with her, and I see parts of her in Jody everyday. I really am at a loss for words when talking about her, an will probably revisit this part of the post at another time, once I have worked through more emotions.

I think that this post has gotten long enough! Little Mark should be waking up to eat soon anyway, so I should get some sleep while I can!

Larissa

Struggling

I like to think I have handled the whole losing the baby thing very well but right now I am struggling to be happy for those that are pregnant and due around the same time I would have been. It is hard to see them posting on Facebook about reaching the halfway mark or how they are getting excited, or post pictures of their belly's. I don't ask why because I know it just wasn't meant to be and God needed my angel. It still makes me sad though...

Ok, rant over....back to sewing!

Larissa<><

Busy summer!

Wow! Life has a way of keeping me busy! Between work and the kid, I barely have any time to do anything! It has been over a month since I have been here to update! School has started back up, which means early mornings for me and Jody! She is great at getting up as soon as I tell her (usually) and getting ready for school. Me, on the other hand, I really don't want to get up at 6:30 am! She started Middle School this week! We put her back in private school and will likely keep her there until High School. She is playing Volleyball and will continue in her dance classes as well!

Now to the "fun" stuff. Shortly after my last post, someone read the post and then went to my "mother" and told her about it and she got mad that I was writing stuff about her. Well, guess what? I am about to write some more about her! She decided that 11pm on a work night was an okay time to text me, even after I told her it was late and I have to be at work early the next day. She told me that I was not to write about her on the Internet. I told her it was my personal blog and my way of expressing emotions that I need to work through. She decided to keep arguing about it through text, rather than being an adult and asking when she could call to talk about it. I had had enough and told her that I will continue to write on my blog and that if she didn't like what I wrote not to read it (I didn't know at this point that she was just going on what someone said and that she hadn't read the post herself). She just kept telling me to stop writing about her. I then told her that I was not changing who I am, and will continue to write to express myself and if she didn't like the person I have become (someone with a backbone), then she need not concern herself with me. She then told me to enjoy my life alone! (Yeah, I am so alone.....) so I decided there that if she cared so little, then I was done with her. I told her she would never see/hear from me or my child(ren) again. I was done. I got a final text from her that said "if that's the way you feel".  I learned about a week later that she was telling everyone only part of the story and making it seem like she had no part in me saying I was done. I cleared that up real quick!

It took me a few days to really work though all of this. I called a good friend/mentor and talked to her quite a bit about it and some of the stuff that happened as a child that I am remembering randomly. Her suggestion was that I should seek out a counselor (which I probably should).  Just talking to her and saying these things out loud, made me really question things from my past, and helped me really look deep down and decide if I was really doing this for the right reasons.

In the past month, having NO contact with her, I have noticed a couple things. First, I am happier, I don't cringe when my phone rings thinking it is her calling to inform me that one of my sisters is doing something I don't approve/agree with or calling to complain that she has no money to buy her meds or cigarettes and wants me to send her some (because we are swimming in it over here (I wish!)) Second, I have noticed that I have more patience with my daughter and husband. I am not stressing over her issues, instead, I am on the floor playing applegrams with Jody or cuddling up with my love to watch a movie. I am starting to see the positive things in life, rather than the negatives all the time! The other day, I called my Grandma's phone to see how she was feeling and update her on Jody. My "mother" answered and I didn't engage, I just hung up. She knew it was me calling (it is gmas cell phone with caller ID). I then proceeded to go off on some random stranger for taking a parking spot I had stopped at (with my blinker on) and was waiting for her to pass before turning and she just pulled into the space. I knew that I shouldn't have said anything but I was already upset just from hearing her voice. What part of "I want nothing to do with you" was unclear?

Anyways, Definitely am looking into finding a therapist to hopefully put the past behind me!

I am almost finished with this semester of school! I have 2 classes to finish and I will be done! I am off to spend some time with my love before bedtime, 6 am comes super early!

Larissa

When Life Hands you Lemons...

Wow, it has been 2 1/2 months since I have wrote anything! It has been a busy time for me and my family. First, I did finally write the letter to my sister in CO. I picked a beautiful card(blank inside) and wrote her a letter about how I want our relationship to be and that whatever is in the past is just that, the past. I asked her to join me in starting over with a clean slate and not hold the past against each other. Along with this note, I also included a necklace that was engraved with Sister. As She never replied to my facebook message requesting her address, I sent the package to my mother's address and asked er to make sure she received it. After tracking it, and knowing it had made it, I called my mother and asked her if she had given it to my sister. She said she had and that sister had said that she was going to call me to thank me for it. I sent the package in late May/Early June. I still have not heard a word from her. I do know she has been following me on Facebook, as she told my mother that we took Jody to Disneyland on the 6th. I haven't wrote anything to my mom yet. I really don't know what to say to her, every time I think I am ready, something else happens that makes me just want to cut all ties from her. The latest of which is her not calling to see how I was doing after a recent outpatient procedure but calling to tell me that my brother-in-law was in an accident in his truck. We were on the phone for a good 1/2 hour and not once did she feel the need to ask how I was doing. I will get into the procedure and how I am doing in a minute. It is really hard to respect someone who has no respect for themselves or others. It is hard to form or keep a relationship with a family member just for the sake of "family". I know for a fact that my child(ren) will never again be around her unless she makes some major life changes, but SHE has to be the one that wants the changes, I can't do that for her. Alright, she has occupied enough of my brain space and blog space for today.

Most people were not informed of our latest pregnancy. We only informed those that we felt needed to know and a few close friends. We found out super early (3 wks 4 days) and waited until we were close to 6 weeks to tell anyone. We wanted to wait longer but with a 9 yr old around, it was hard for Mark and I to hold a conversation to discuss Dr appt's and what not without her figuring out something was going on. Unfortunately, the baby stopped developing at 6 weeks and I went in for a D&C on June 29th. I talked to both my mother and my grandmother the day before. the next time I heard from my mother was a quick text message on my birthday. then nothing until 3 days ago when she called to tell me about my BIL's accident. The week leading up to the procedure, I was a wreck. I didn't want to get out of bed. I had to force myself to eat, and I had to put on a brave face for Jody. Thankfully, I have an amazing little girl who was totally okay to spend the days laying in bed with me watching tv/playing on the tablet. She also made sure I was eating at least once a day. I thank God everyday for blessing me with such an amazing child. I cannot wait to see what he has in his plans for her!

The 29th finally came and I was an even bigger wreck. As soon as we dropped Jody off at our friends house, I couldn't stop the tears. Not only was I going to to have the D&C, it was our first time leaving Jody with someone other than family (she has gone to a couple friends houses for sleepovers and such, but never a babysitter). I don't remember much about the rest of the day, other than the hospital being cold and crying a lot. I had come to terms with losing my baby but the idea of being put under anesthesia freaked me out! My Dr kept coming by to make sure I was okay and saying how sad I was, even after both my nurse and myself told her it the the procedure that had me freaked out. Anyway, i made it through and came home and slept for the rest of the afternoon/evening and most of the Saturday following. I slowly started getting energy back and was able to enjoy breakfast out for my Birthday on Sunday, followed by some shopping. We are now 2 weeks out, and I am back to normal. Every once in a while, something will trigger a sadness in me but I just try to remember that God needed my little angel for something bigger and better than this world and that one day I will see him/her again.

I also have done 2 craft faires in Lockwood. The one in June was very slow and I did nothing as far as sales. I did meet some awesome people that day though. I did the 2nd one yesterday. I got to see said awesome people and a few others. I even saw some that I have not seen in years! From a business standpoint, I did pretty good! I also made some more contacts and met someone who I think could be an awesome inspiration and mentor for me! She taught me a bunch of tricks yesterday just in the time we were talking!

I have been lacking in Bible reading lately, mostly I think because I read it, don't always understand it but don't have anyone to discuss it with. I think I need to find a "study buddy" that can keep me on task!

I feel like there is more I need to write but words are not flowing anymore so I will say goodbye for now. Hopefully it won't be 2 1/2months before I update again!

Larissa :)

Prayer

If only it was that easy!


I envy those that can pray on a whim out loud. I say many prayers during the say but they are all silent prayers. Why? I really don't know. Sometimes I think it has to do with not liking to hear my own voice talking, while other times I think it is easier to pray in my head as I work to find the words. Even in my own head, I still stumble over the words. Talking out loud is not easy for me. I even changed majors at Heald just to get out of the public speaking class!


Lately, I have been asking myself why I don't voice my own prayer requests or praises on Church. Sometimes, it is the whole public speaking thing. Most of the time, I feel like my prayer requests are not near as important as those around me. I am sure some will say they are just as important, and they are to me, but there are so many that are less fortunate than I am. The person searching for a job or battling an addiction is more important than me conceiving another child, or my business taking off. Same with praises, the teen who is striving to NOT follow the path of so many in the area and has a praise that she survived another week of not giving in to peer pressure is more important than the praise that I made a sale that week or that my daughter continues to do well in school despite having a teacher that is difficult.


One more thing for me to work on, maybe baby steps.....maybe......




Quick update on the forgiveness post....


I still haven't written the letters. I have been trying to let God tell me to write them and what to put in them. Part of me feels like it will do more harm than good to write and send them. Maybe I need to write them out but not send them just yet. I am finding that writing is helping me work through quite a bit, so that might just be the right choice there. Finding forgiveness is not as easy as I made it sound in that post, it sounds easy on paper (or a screen), but in reality, it means letting go of a lot of hurt and pain.


I hope everyone has a great weekend! There is a huge triathlon near church this weekend, so I am not driving down. Might be time to step out and check a church closer to home!


Larissa


Book to read this week: Luke

Forgiveness

Forgiveness.

This is a topic that I have a really hard time with. I know the past is the past and that I cannot change it. I also know that the past is part of who I am today and that is important. There is still a part of me that holds on to it with the hope that those that have hurt me the most will come to me and try to make it right. Then this afternoon, I realized something. The ones that hurt me the most probably have no idea that they caused me so much pain. How can they know when I pretended that it didn't bother me and always put on a brave front? The forgiveness is more for me than for them. I have harbored these feelings for a very long time. I have walked with a weight on my shoulder and in my heart for much too long. Today, Those that mean the most to me and have caused me pain are getting a clean slate. I will not hold the past against them any longer. I will take the first step to repairing the relationships that they may not even think are broken. I know it is a long road ahead.

The hardest part for me is to physically let go of the pain. I have dealt with it for so long that it is just a part of me now. It will take time but I will get there. A big part of this for me will be letting those that I so badly want a healthy relationship with know that I forgive them and that I am sorry for any pain I may have caused them. The hardest letters I will be writing this week are to my sister in CO and to my mother. My sister and I have never gotten along and have a lot of issues to work through. I have a feeling that she is not going to be very receptive in the beginning and the rejection I will receive is going to be hard, but hopefully persistence will pay off. The letter to my mother is just as much for her as it is for me. In the past couple of years, she has asked me some pretty tough questions about how I felt she treated us as kids and if I thought she was a good mother. The conversations were hard and just between us, perhaps I will talk about it in a different post at a later date. I have a few other letters that I plan on writing. I won't be mailing them as I am no longer in touch with the people who tortured me in school, but I feel that writing out the letters will help me heal and move forward.

Along with forgiveness, I am working on understanding. I don't need to understand WHY. I need to work on ME and let others work on themselves, helping when our paths cross in life.


This past week, I started reading Ephesians. I am hoping to finish this week. The verse(s) that have stood out to me so far are

Ephesians 1:7-10 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

Larissa

How did I become a "closet" Christian?

Who are the "closet" Christians? They can be your friends, your family, and your neighbors. They are people that you see in church. You know the ones. They tend to sit in the back by themselves. They don't say much to anyone. If they happen to know someone in the church, they stick close to that person because they feel safe there, if they look like they are engrossed, others will not come ask them questions. They don't participate in prayer requests or open prayer time. They are the people who look lost.

This is how I became a "closet" Christian. I was hiding or lying about my religion in order to be accepted by people that I had nothing in common with but felt that I needed to be their friend to stop the teasing, to seem cool, whatever kids think about at 16 and 17 yrs old. I honestly don't remember the reasoning for these "ideas". I just knew I wanted to fit in for once in my life and these people were my golden ticket. As an adult, this behavior has continued. I seek acceptance from people that I really don't need in my life. In recent months, I have severed the ties on quite a few of these toxic relationships. It has been freeing. My self esteem and self-worth has risen. It has also been painful. Severing one of these relationships has also caused me to cut ties between my daughter and her best friend. It was hard for her to understand at first, but after a few months, she too blossomed after being under the thumb of a controlling friend. I know know that true friends will accept me for who/what I am. They won't try to tell me who I need to be or what I should be doing. Maybe now is a good time for some background.

As a child I don't remember going to church much. The times I do remember going, it was never with my mother. We had a neighbor that would take my sister and I. Her husband and son never went with us. On the drive to church and home, we would listen to Billy Ray Cyrus' song 'Achy Breaky Heart' over and over and sing it at the top of our lungs. Why? I really don't know. Just as I don't know why my mom never went with us. Our trips to church were pretty short lived. I was baptized on May 22, 1992. I had NO understanding of what it meant nor did I have a choice. That is the ONLY time I remember my mom coming to church with us. We quit going shortly after that. As I grew up, it was ingrained in my head that you were not a Christian if you did not go to church. I quit telling people I was a Christian. If the subject came up, I ignored questions about my religion or I would lie and say I was going to church on Sunday. Whatever it took to get them to change the subject. Eventually, I gave up even trying to attend church (this was before the area I grew up in had a flourishing youth group). By the time a youth group was established, I knew the kids who were attending. They were the kids who teased me at school. The boys who ignored me. The girl who threatened to kill me on the bus one day. The kids who ditched class. The kids who smoked pot on the way to school. Those who made fun of anyone who wasn't just like them. The people I wanted to escape from every day. Now someone I didn't know (at the time) wanted me to voluntarily spend time with these people?  I showed no interest to join these kids who were saying they were Christians or that they wanted to become Christians, but made my life hell 5 days a week. Inside, I was dying to go. I wanted the fellowship, I yearned to learn more, but I was afraid things wouldn't be any different at church or youth group than at school. Instead, I stayed at home and read my Bible in secret. My younger sister joined the youth group. After all, these enemies of mine were her friends. She was my enemy. I did go on a trip to Hume Lake. The stories I can tell from that trip.....After I went to college, I followed the crowd. I started drinking and staying out late. Even though I had promised myself that sex was something I wanted to wait until marriage, I made the choice let a boyfriend pressure me into it. After a while, I felt like there was no way I could consider myself a Christian anymore and that there was no way God could love me after the choices I was making. Before long, my beloved, worn Bible made its way to a goodwill or a trashcan, I really don't recall what I did with it.

In 2003, I started going to a church in CO. I was unmarried with a baby. after a couple weeks, I quit going because people started talking about my "mistakes" and  asking questions that were just plain nosy rather than getting to know me and my story. In 2006, I returned to the same church I had attended in my elementary years. Some of the same people were still there. There was a new (to me) Pastor, but he was no stranger. He was the Youth Group Leader from my past! And while we had kept in touch through the years, I was not close with the family. We started building a relationship in the months that followed though, and to this day we are great friends. They are one of the few constants in my life. In Late 2006, I once again moved away and did not return to the area for many months (that is a different story).  I started attending a church in a neighboring city, not because it was what I wanted, but because it made a friend happy. I was never fully comfortable there, and I didn't take much away from the experience. I then started making a point to make it down at least once a month, then it would be 2, 3, or even 6 months before I would return. That has been the extent of my religion for the better part of 4 years. Lately, there has been a yearning to make the changes I should make in my life. Part of it is my amazing daughter. She is only 9 but she has an amazing understanding of who God is and how he plays a part in our lives. Her relationship with Him is awesome!

Why do we hide who we are? Every person is different. For me, I am embarrassed to admit I don't know how to be a good Christian. Until the past couple years, I didn't have any good role models to look to for guidance. I hate hearing myself speak in public because I get flustered easily and then stumble through the words. I have also always had a fear of the unknown, and religion is a lot of unknowns. Learning to have Faith in something is hard. Trusting people that used to treat you like crap is hard. Guess who attends that church? Those kids that made my life a living hell in school? Yeah I see them there from time to time. The girl who threatened my life that day on the bus? She is fighting her own battle now and I am praying everyday that she overcomes it. We will talk about forgiveness anther day.....

How are we "closet" Christians? Once you start it is pretty easy for it to spiral out of control. It can start with a simple comment about how someone is a "bible thumper" or putting them down. Then it progresses to participating in activities that we know are wrong. This could be sex before marriage, drugs, crime, etc. It can be peer pressure or the desire to fit in that causes you to follow the actions of others even though you know it is wrong. Eventually, you are lost in a sea of insults and lies. You have lied to those you love and God for so long, even you forget where the line is drawn between lies and truth.

I feel like it is time for me to "come out" of this closet I have been living in. I am tired of living this way. What will be the cost for me? I am sure some people will reject me. I know it will hurt as they had been my "friends". I will probably lose some "friends" but then I will know who my true friends are as they will still be standing next to me in the end. They will still love me. The rewards of this out weigh the cost for sure! I will have healthier relationships and I will be surrounded by good influences. I will gain the ability to be honest with people and proclaim the the world that I AM A CHRISTIAN and I am proud of that fact. This transformation will bring me closer to the Lord and my Salvation. In the end I will quit seeking acceptance from those that I really don't need it from to begin with. I am getting my faith back, this is my life now.

Verse for today

Ephesians 1:7

In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace; (KJV) 

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace (NIV)

In Him we have redemption (deliverance and salvation) through His blood, the remission (forgiveness) of our offenses (shortcomings and trespasses), in accordance with the riches and the generosity of His gracious favor (AMP)