Forgiveness

Forgiveness.

This is a topic that I have a really hard time with. I know the past is the past and that I cannot change it. I also know that the past is part of who I am today and that is important. There is still a part of me that holds on to it with the hope that those that have hurt me the most will come to me and try to make it right. Then this afternoon, I realized something. The ones that hurt me the most probably have no idea that they caused me so much pain. How can they know when I pretended that it didn't bother me and always put on a brave front? The forgiveness is more for me than for them. I have harbored these feelings for a very long time. I have walked with a weight on my shoulder and in my heart for much too long. Today, Those that mean the most to me and have caused me pain are getting a clean slate. I will not hold the past against them any longer. I will take the first step to repairing the relationships that they may not even think are broken. I know it is a long road ahead.

The hardest part for me is to physically let go of the pain. I have dealt with it for so long that it is just a part of me now. It will take time but I will get there. A big part of this for me will be letting those that I so badly want a healthy relationship with know that I forgive them and that I am sorry for any pain I may have caused them. The hardest letters I will be writing this week are to my sister in CO and to my mother. My sister and I have never gotten along and have a lot of issues to work through. I have a feeling that she is not going to be very receptive in the beginning and the rejection I will receive is going to be hard, but hopefully persistence will pay off. The letter to my mother is just as much for her as it is for me. In the past couple of years, she has asked me some pretty tough questions about how I felt she treated us as kids and if I thought she was a good mother. The conversations were hard and just between us, perhaps I will talk about it in a different post at a later date. I have a few other letters that I plan on writing. I won't be mailing them as I am no longer in touch with the people who tortured me in school, but I feel that writing out the letters will help me heal and move forward.

Along with forgiveness, I am working on understanding. I don't need to understand WHY. I need to work on ME and let others work on themselves, helping when our paths cross in life.


This past week, I started reading Ephesians. I am hoping to finish this week. The verse(s) that have stood out to me so far are

Ephesians 1:7-10 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

Larissa

How did I become a "closet" Christian?

Who are the "closet" Christians? They can be your friends, your family, and your neighbors. They are people that you see in church. You know the ones. They tend to sit in the back by themselves. They don't say much to anyone. If they happen to know someone in the church, they stick close to that person because they feel safe there, if they look like they are engrossed, others will not come ask them questions. They don't participate in prayer requests or open prayer time. They are the people who look lost.

This is how I became a "closet" Christian. I was hiding or lying about my religion in order to be accepted by people that I had nothing in common with but felt that I needed to be their friend to stop the teasing, to seem cool, whatever kids think about at 16 and 17 yrs old. I honestly don't remember the reasoning for these "ideas". I just knew I wanted to fit in for once in my life and these people were my golden ticket. As an adult, this behavior has continued. I seek acceptance from people that I really don't need in my life. In recent months, I have severed the ties on quite a few of these toxic relationships. It has been freeing. My self esteem and self-worth has risen. It has also been painful. Severing one of these relationships has also caused me to cut ties between my daughter and her best friend. It was hard for her to understand at first, but after a few months, she too blossomed after being under the thumb of a controlling friend. I know know that true friends will accept me for who/what I am. They won't try to tell me who I need to be or what I should be doing. Maybe now is a good time for some background.

As a child I don't remember going to church much. The times I do remember going, it was never with my mother. We had a neighbor that would take my sister and I. Her husband and son never went with us. On the drive to church and home, we would listen to Billy Ray Cyrus' song 'Achy Breaky Heart' over and over and sing it at the top of our lungs. Why? I really don't know. Just as I don't know why my mom never went with us. Our trips to church were pretty short lived. I was baptized on May 22, 1992. I had NO understanding of what it meant nor did I have a choice. That is the ONLY time I remember my mom coming to church with us. We quit going shortly after that. As I grew up, it was ingrained in my head that you were not a Christian if you did not go to church. I quit telling people I was a Christian. If the subject came up, I ignored questions about my religion or I would lie and say I was going to church on Sunday. Whatever it took to get them to change the subject. Eventually, I gave up even trying to attend church (this was before the area I grew up in had a flourishing youth group). By the time a youth group was established, I knew the kids who were attending. They were the kids who teased me at school. The boys who ignored me. The girl who threatened to kill me on the bus one day. The kids who ditched class. The kids who smoked pot on the way to school. Those who made fun of anyone who wasn't just like them. The people I wanted to escape from every day. Now someone I didn't know (at the time) wanted me to voluntarily spend time with these people?  I showed no interest to join these kids who were saying they were Christians or that they wanted to become Christians, but made my life hell 5 days a week. Inside, I was dying to go. I wanted the fellowship, I yearned to learn more, but I was afraid things wouldn't be any different at church or youth group than at school. Instead, I stayed at home and read my Bible in secret. My younger sister joined the youth group. After all, these enemies of mine were her friends. She was my enemy. I did go on a trip to Hume Lake. The stories I can tell from that trip.....After I went to college, I followed the crowd. I started drinking and staying out late. Even though I had promised myself that sex was something I wanted to wait until marriage, I made the choice let a boyfriend pressure me into it. After a while, I felt like there was no way I could consider myself a Christian anymore and that there was no way God could love me after the choices I was making. Before long, my beloved, worn Bible made its way to a goodwill or a trashcan, I really don't recall what I did with it.

In 2003, I started going to a church in CO. I was unmarried with a baby. after a couple weeks, I quit going because people started talking about my "mistakes" and  asking questions that were just plain nosy rather than getting to know me and my story. In 2006, I returned to the same church I had attended in my elementary years. Some of the same people were still there. There was a new (to me) Pastor, but he was no stranger. He was the Youth Group Leader from my past! And while we had kept in touch through the years, I was not close with the family. We started building a relationship in the months that followed though, and to this day we are great friends. They are one of the few constants in my life. In Late 2006, I once again moved away and did not return to the area for many months (that is a different story).  I started attending a church in a neighboring city, not because it was what I wanted, but because it made a friend happy. I was never fully comfortable there, and I didn't take much away from the experience. I then started making a point to make it down at least once a month, then it would be 2, 3, or even 6 months before I would return. That has been the extent of my religion for the better part of 4 years. Lately, there has been a yearning to make the changes I should make in my life. Part of it is my amazing daughter. She is only 9 but she has an amazing understanding of who God is and how he plays a part in our lives. Her relationship with Him is awesome!

Why do we hide who we are? Every person is different. For me, I am embarrassed to admit I don't know how to be a good Christian. Until the past couple years, I didn't have any good role models to look to for guidance. I hate hearing myself speak in public because I get flustered easily and then stumble through the words. I have also always had a fear of the unknown, and religion is a lot of unknowns. Learning to have Faith in something is hard. Trusting people that used to treat you like crap is hard. Guess who attends that church? Those kids that made my life a living hell in school? Yeah I see them there from time to time. The girl who threatened my life that day on the bus? She is fighting her own battle now and I am praying everyday that she overcomes it. We will talk about forgiveness anther day.....

How are we "closet" Christians? Once you start it is pretty easy for it to spiral out of control. It can start with a simple comment about how someone is a "bible thumper" or putting them down. Then it progresses to participating in activities that we know are wrong. This could be sex before marriage, drugs, crime, etc. It can be peer pressure or the desire to fit in that causes you to follow the actions of others even though you know it is wrong. Eventually, you are lost in a sea of insults and lies. You have lied to those you love and God for so long, even you forget where the line is drawn between lies and truth.

I feel like it is time for me to "come out" of this closet I have been living in. I am tired of living this way. What will be the cost for me? I am sure some people will reject me. I know it will hurt as they had been my "friends". I will probably lose some "friends" but then I will know who my true friends are as they will still be standing next to me in the end. They will still love me. The rewards of this out weigh the cost for sure! I will have healthier relationships and I will be surrounded by good influences. I will gain the ability to be honest with people and proclaim the the world that I AM A CHRISTIAN and I am proud of that fact. This transformation will bring me closer to the Lord and my Salvation. In the end I will quit seeking acceptance from those that I really don't need it from to begin with. I am getting my faith back, this is my life now.

Verse for today

Ephesians 1:7

In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace; (KJV) 

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace (NIV)

In Him we have redemption (deliverance and salvation) through His blood, the remission (forgiveness) of our offenses (shortcomings and trespasses), in accordance with the riches and the generosity of His gracious favor (AMP)

A new beginning

As I sit behind a computer screen, it is easy to call myself a good Christian. In reality, I am a "closet" Christian. What does that mean? To me, it means I am a Christian when it is convenient to me. It means I don't always make the choices I want to make. I will get more into that in the next post.

This is just the beginning. I am making the choice to "come out" as a Christian, and stop living a life that is not making me happy. This is my journey to Salvation and I hope there will be many awesome, life changing experiences and discussions ahead. I also hope you will stick around to watch all that is changing in my life.