Forgiveness

Forgiveness.

This is a topic that I have a really hard time with. I know the past is the past and that I cannot change it. I also know that the past is part of who I am today and that is important. There is still a part of me that holds on to it with the hope that those that have hurt me the most will come to me and try to make it right. Then this afternoon, I realized something. The ones that hurt me the most probably have no idea that they caused me so much pain. How can they know when I pretended that it didn't bother me and always put on a brave front? The forgiveness is more for me than for them. I have harbored these feelings for a very long time. I have walked with a weight on my shoulder and in my heart for much too long. Today, Those that mean the most to me and have caused me pain are getting a clean slate. I will not hold the past against them any longer. I will take the first step to repairing the relationships that they may not even think are broken. I know it is a long road ahead.

The hardest part for me is to physically let go of the pain. I have dealt with it for so long that it is just a part of me now. It will take time but I will get there. A big part of this for me will be letting those that I so badly want a healthy relationship with know that I forgive them and that I am sorry for any pain I may have caused them. The hardest letters I will be writing this week are to my sister in CO and to my mother. My sister and I have never gotten along and have a lot of issues to work through. I have a feeling that she is not going to be very receptive in the beginning and the rejection I will receive is going to be hard, but hopefully persistence will pay off. The letter to my mother is just as much for her as it is for me. In the past couple of years, she has asked me some pretty tough questions about how I felt she treated us as kids and if I thought she was a good mother. The conversations were hard and just between us, perhaps I will talk about it in a different post at a later date. I have a few other letters that I plan on writing. I won't be mailing them as I am no longer in touch with the people who tortured me in school, but I feel that writing out the letters will help me heal and move forward.

Along with forgiveness, I am working on understanding. I don't need to understand WHY. I need to work on ME and let others work on themselves, helping when our paths cross in life.


This past week, I started reading Ephesians. I am hoping to finish this week. The verse(s) that have stood out to me so far are

Ephesians 1:7-10 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

Larissa